Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
