She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
