Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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