garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
