Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
