I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
