My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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