I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
