I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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