we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
