I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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