I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
