I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
