Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
