Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
