I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
