I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
