I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's shark week go big or go home
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
