I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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