My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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