i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
