What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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