Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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