I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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