sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
