Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
