Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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