After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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