apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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