I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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