I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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