All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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