Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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