Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
