So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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