dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The maid of honor just puked.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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