so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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