the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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