Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
