I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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