I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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