guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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