I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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