Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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