i love accidental penises.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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