You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
