I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
