she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
