Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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