i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
