So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
